HELP!

My history exam is on Tuesday and once again I am freeeaking out. I realised this morning whilst reflecting on everything I had done to revise that the majority of the time I have been trying to (indirectly) figure out a formula for the perfect essay. Is it that obvious I also study physics?

Does anybody have any useful advice about essay writing? Or about the history of Russia?

Also I am trying to find a present for my boyfriend so any suggestions I would be very grateful for :)

AudioBoo?

Something I just discovered via twitter, some of you have probably heard of it before, it's a way of audio blogging for for iPhone. I, however don't have an iPhone and therefore had not heard of it before today. I'd like to audio blog though, because one day I would like to be a radio presenter. However, when it comes to blogging I like writing - because funnily enough I'd like to write for newspapers one day as well - and I find that the content of my blogs is something that I find so much easier to write about. Writing, in my opinion, is much more inpersonal beWcause it is considered and detached from your audiance. 

Anyway, this leads on nicely to what I wanted to talk about - my future. Scary. Recently because of being on study leave I've had a lot of time away from all my school friends and my boyfriend and it's been causing me to think about what do I want to do with my life? What do I want to get out of these exams? What is the point of it all?

What is the grand plan?

That's what this blog was always going to be about, me choosing my path and taking it. I want my career as a journalist but right now I know that the results I get in my exams aren't going to be the ones I need for my chosen university (City of London Uni). And I really want to go to London. In my opinion if I don't go to uni in London that will severly decrease my chance of becoming successful as I want to be. However my Dad keeps telling me the world is not black and white. Regardless of what he thinks I do not think it is black and white, I just know that I am not an outstanding person and if I don't get the grades I need then that's the end of that. 

On a slightly brighter note I've also been thinking about me and my boyfriend when we go to uni. Actually, not really a brighter note, I was thinking about are we going to stay together when we go there? The thing is, part of me thinks I really love him and a lot of me thinks that I don't want anyone else. But does that mean we're going to stay together forever, get married, buy a house and have kids?

Life is not black and white.

But sometimes I wish it was.

Revising?

No I'm not.

I am so bad at it! I have two, yes two physics exams tomorrow and I know sooo very little! It's not that I haven't tried revising, I have tried very hard but I feel as though I am getting nowhere. Also I have already done an English exam this morning so I'm just not in the mood. 

My mind is numb. This is an issue.

I'd rather forget about the past few weeks

So I will, and I'll start a fresh. But somehow now I can't think of anything I want to say. I'm watching Dirty Sexy Money at the moment which, I have to say, is pretty awesome. I love Jeremy Darling. 

It's official I'm going to fail my art A level. I have 3 days to finish two portfolios. Sounds plausible, no? Really? Hmm, what am I going to do. :/ Also the fact that I chose a textiles final piece and I can't sow for shit. 

On a brighter note things with me and my boyfriend are better than ever in my opinion :) everything just seems to happy and bright. What more could I ask for?

Must Remember

to write blog tomorrow...

too tired...

long day...

interesting things to say for once....

CIAO. :)

Why is nothing ever simple!

I have lost my theory test certificate. Why?! The other day when I needed to do my physics coursework I couldn't find my notes and now that I need something else they appear and the thing that I really need disappears! I am so stressed out this week and this is only making it a million times worse. If I don't find this I can't do my test and that's £100 wasted. I'm in London tomorrow so I have to find it NOW or I never will before my test. :'(

Life is about moving forward

I had a successful day at my new job and it was mainly fun :) I got to be a runner, meaning that I ran about a lot. It's a big change from my current job at Frosts but there is no way that I can do both unless I seriously reorganise my time - if I want to pass my A levels that I'm taking in just over a month.

The differences finish pretty much with the contence of the job, I get paid basically the same (but I get my share of the tips). The hours are better in my opinion, because I work evenings so I get the days free to do my revision etc but I get to work more hours, therefore because they want me to work 2 or 3 shifts a week that's as far as I can tell about £100 a week - rather than twenty something. 

However I do a lot less work at Frosts... but that's boring! My friends there all want me to stay, I have been working there for a year though. I've managed to sort of work my way up the food chain (as much as a weekender can) and now at the pub I'm at the bottom again, being a spare part and not really knowing what I'm doing most of the time. But that'll get better, I'm working there again tonight and I don't want to be a quitter at something I've just started!

Life is about moving forward!

I love my Dad so much for that phrase, it's helped me a lot this week.

Nerves are running high.

I am so unbelievably nervous about working in the restaurant later. I have this feeling something is going to go so wrong and I'm going to drop something or bring people the wrong food. It might not be that bad, they might decide to make me wash plates and tidy up for 6 hours. But if something does go wrong that means that I probably wont have a job there to come back to.

No one is listening.

Sometimes I wonder why I write these.

Clearly no one is listening.

But maybe that's the beauty of it :)

Today is a day... for chocolate :)

Easter has to be the second best (after Christmas of course - chocolate AND presents, plus the whole birth of Christ thing) holiday. I feel sick already and i've barely touched the surface of all the chocolate I have to eat. Nothing can get me down today because it is a novelty shaped chocolate day. And it does not get much better than that.

For instance this morning I felt incredibly lucky because I called up to enquire about a job someone had said was going and they said "Can you come in today?" and I was ecstatic! Because I'm not having as much fun at my current job since they cut my hours and moved us all about. But then when I got there I sat around and when they realised I was 17 and wouldn't be able to work the bar today they weren't as interested. However the fact that I don't have to work until Wednesday isn't so bad, because it's Easter! 

Plus I know nothing about working behind a bar.

Ah tis life

I am lost for words. I want to tell you about how I feel about my friend and the way she's been acting but it makes me feel self centred and bitchy. 

Ag work.

Could there be a better day than today, when the rain is chucking it down and it's freezing cold.

WHERE IS MY SUMMER!

One step closer

Today has been vaguely productive. However the reason that I'm writing this blog is because of the action I have just taken to further my career. I emailed Red Bull head quarters, just to let them know really how much I want to be an F1 journalist. Wow that news seems really pointless. They haven't even emailed back yet (it has only been five minutes) and it's unlikely they ever will. I emailed them before and it took them months to reply. I don't know why I'm getting my hopes up really.

I'm impressed with my courage though. A few months ago I wouldn't have been able to send an email like that outlining my dreams and ambitions. Recently things seem to be going right though, my grades are getting better, I got Vice House President at school even though I'm new and everyone told me I shouldn't get my hopes up, I'm on the school newspaper, I'm going to be visiting a radio station. Maybe that's just a warning sign for something has to go wrong soon - but with all that going so well, how can I complain?

I'm going to place my bet on failing my driving test. Which is not what I want it to be. If the bad luck can hold off until the summer once I've finished all my exams and driving test then I'll take it like a true soldier. But I've worked hard this year and I don't want it to all be for nothing.

Ready...Set...Go!

Ok, today I am definitely going to do lots of revision. I'm all set up and ready to learn. Got my laptop out and ready...folders out and full of info...

Smallville on TV.

But I guess that can only help the creative flow.

First onto history. Any helpful tips about Russia from 1881-1953?

Exciting News

Well only really exciting for me but I thought I would share anyway.

I've been invited to go and visit heart radio station to look around and have a chat about careers in radio :) I don't really want to work in radio anymore though, well not specifically anyway. The dream is now to be a reporter from the F1 Grands Prix and follow it round the world with my own blog, writing for newspapers as well as TV and radio things. I very specific and likely to be none existent career path. 

The racing teams don't want to give me any work experience though. You would think in the current economic crisis people would be jumping at the chance to have someone work for them for nothing! I don't want to do their normal work experience scheme though, working with engineers or designers as I assume they do, I want to work with the people that make the websites and the PR side of things. I think that would look good on my CV.

I'm pretty sure I would be excellent at this job (apart from my habitual rambling and occasional shyness), as you read this you're probably thinking that I would make the WORST journalist ever because my writing has no direction or structure. However this is it as it comes into my head - no correction apart from the occasional spelling! This is more like therapy to me than skilled writing. 

Maybe I should start writing like a journalist here and save the therapy for my diary...

Back Online!

Yes it's been a while, and I've missed the few of you that stumble across my blog with your random anecdotes and opinions. I hope you can forgive me, I was thinking of you the whole time I swear.

After the painful ordeal with tescos in the attempt to retrieve my new laptop I finally have it :D! Well I don't have IT. The one I ordered is in Ireland... And everytime I think about it I feel really guilty! It's a laptop! How can I feel guilty about it! It got sent to the wrong depot, it wasn't it's fault, but I traded it in for a black version because I'm too impatient.

I hope it's not lonely.

I tell you I'm not even exaggerating, I have an awful feeling in my stomach when I think about it.

Also because during the screaming match my Dad had about it he managed to make some poor girl cry, but I sent her a note saying sorry so my karma should be sorted. But then the poor lonely laptop...

I clearly have two major personality floors. Actually I think the problem in both situations is that I feel guilty way to easily. I've sorted my issue with procrastinating though, if I hadn't said sorry to that girl - even though it wasn't my fault - I would have been feeling even worse now and wishing I had. :)

I hate my conscience and weird logic.

"You can teach me to walk in the air; and I'll teach you to make nice noises on the piano without any music"

It's occurred to me that I haven't been on here for ages! I just spent ages catching up on all the blogs I've missed while I've been away, and I'm satisfied that the standard hasn't dropped. I FINALLY fixed my computer today - if you can really call it fixed. It works now, but has nothing on it that I actually need to use (except firefox), and I'm downloading everything for the second time as I type.

I feel as though I should have hours worth of things to write about, events to record, but apparently nothing that interesting has happened to me over the past few weeks. I've been studying a lot, I've booked my driving test... I had an art exam which I would like to show you what I created while in in and hopefully will soon. Also, my boyfriend has credit and keeps texting me things which I find annoying. For instance after we both watched the Sydney Grands Prix this morning, definitely an amazingly nail biting and tense race - not what I would describe as "lush" as my boyfriend put it. Maybe I've been studying English Literature for too long or something but lush was definitely the wrong word for it.

Recently I've been reading an excellent book called The Love Letters of Dylan Thomas since the film The Edge of Reason came out. I haven't actually seen the film but Dylan Thomas is a brilliant poet and his letters are really beautiful. It has sort of reached the point where he's told so many women how much he loves them and how they are so perfect that it's lost a lot of meaning though. I definitely would have fallen in love with him if he'd written one to me though.

(The title of this blog is from a letter Dylan Thomas wrote to his wife before they were married)

My computer is broken.

And my laptop is broken.
My Dad is going to go mental.

Add Vinegar to your Toffee

I made toffee today :) Definitely a highlight of the week, but it's very moreish and I know it's just going to make me feel ill. It'll be good when I get another sugar craving. 

When we found the recipe on the internet it said to add vinegar to in which we all (me, my sister and my brother) disbelieved instantly. Turns out it makes it go hard or something. So I think I need to be more trusting - generally, not just with strangers on the internet. 

Am I Crazy?

I've spent all week pretty much feeling like crap and generally lonely because my boyfriend (and best friend), the person I can talk to about anything has been away and not talking to me. And because I trust his judgement and I couldn't decide what to do I texted him and asked if I should go out. Of course he said yes! Go and enjoy yourself, so I said ok happy valentine's hope you're having fun with the German girls and he replied with how it was a cockfest really.

He got back today, didn't tell me he was back. I spoke to him on facebook and he said sorry he was talking to German people (who he's spent all week with) and then told me it wasn't infact a cockfest last night but he told me that "to make me feel better" (lied). And now he doesn't understand why I'm pissed off.

Sorry dearest if I don't like being ignored, lied to and pitied. I'll remember for next time.

I hate Valentine's Day

And I REALLY hate my boyfriend.

Two things you can always count on to disappoint.

I will elaborate later, I have to go to work now.

(Considering renaming my blog Confessions of an Angry Girl)

Worst Valentines Ever.

This will be the third year in a row that I have had a boyfriend for Valentine's Day. It will also, however, be the third year in a row that I haven't seen my boyfriend on Valentine's. 

This year will be particularly bad though because he's in Germany and barely speaking to me. This time of year you're supposed to feel happy and in love (though many people would argue that Valentine's Day has the opposite affect) but it's making me feel like crap. I have a feeling that I will have spent the last nine days being sad and he'll get back and not want me anymore, and all he'll want to talk about is how crap England is compared to Germany where he had an amazing house, food, he could drink in bars and go out all the time and had his ideal job. All of a sudden I just wont be enough. 

Also today the magazine I write for's new issue was supposed to be coming out, and it was our best yet (granted it's only our second) and then they wouldn't give us the time to print it. So now the Valentine's edition of 6ix becomes irrelevant and about three articles and a comic strip have to be rewritten to come out next week because Valentine's will be over. Very frustrating.

Currently I want to be sick (strangely I don't feel sad and want to cry anymore things just make me want to throw up. I haven't decided whether that's a better alternative yet.) because I've made plans for tomorrow night with my friend and some guys I haven't seen for ages. I know this will piss off my boyfriend but all I really want to do is curl up, watch Ferris Bueller's Day Off and drink all night. Probably throw in some chocolate.

Happy Valentine's everyone.

x

Note to self: join less social networking sites, they only dissapoint.

I could kill facebook! If it were, in fact, a living person. Which of course it isn't.

It's not letting me get online because of "maintenance" which only I seem to be getting. I suppose I should be grateful for this special treatment I'm getting but I really want to speak to my boyfriend who is in a foreign country at the moment :|

Plus I keep getting excited because I think I have e-mails from him but they're actually from Twitter. Note to self: join less social networking sites, they only disappoint.

On a brighter note, a picture I did yesterday and was very impressed with :)

The Wonders of Chocolate

After a pretty crappy and stressful day yesterday when I just wanted to curl up in the corner and cry (PMT) today has been much improved. Mainly because my English exam went well (I hope) and the school paper is looking much better than last issue, PLUS I even had a pleasant art lesson which is a very rare occurrence these days. 

I'm so happy with my new topic and new book for art, I have so many ideas for in - it's just generally going well so I'm happy :)

When I wrote the title of this blog the chocolate had cheered me up plenty, now it's just making me feel sick. In a good way of course - because you can't say anything negative about chocolate, even if it makes you fat it's in a good chocolaty way. That is my theory why I was so unhappy in comparison to today, because I didn't have any chocolate. I'm in such a good mood I'm even going to let my sister have the last brownie. Though that's possibly because I think it's gone stale anyway.

Another reason to be positive is that it's only four days and counting until my boyfriends back in the country now. The ignoring I'm doing (or attempting to, it's only lasted a day so far) is going well and hopefully is making him miss and appreciate me more, though I doubt is stopped being absorbed by Germany and the wonderful food and houses it has to offer, as he's told me. Yesterday I was so pissed that he wasn't around but I'm just trying to look at it a different way and stop getting so wrapped up in the way that I feel about it and just be happy that he's having such a good time without me. 

The only downside to today is that I still have Italian and English homework to do that's due in tomorrow. Plus my driving lesson got cancelled due to snow. When will the snow leave *shakes fist at clouds* It has definitely outstayed it's welcome.

Igloo :)

The snow is getting just a little bit ridiculous now. I'm not complaining really, I've got another day off school this week. However I've just watched my Dad straining to get his car off the drive with the help of all the neighbours and his Land Rover Defender, and then got almost run over by one of the aforementioned helpful neighbours.

It has been quite a productive week snow wise really, my family and I have managed to build an igloo (which I did think was spelt iglu but apparently not, I think that is a brand of deserts though).

But that is not the reason I was going to write a blog, I just thought you'd like to see that. I really wanted to moan about my boyfriend and my family again and even as I'm writing this I'm thinking I probably shouldn't. I'm going to put it to the back of my mind and go do some work instead.

Ah, what can I say!

Seriously? What can I say?

Life has become so dull, the beginning of a new year filled with resolutions and plans and now is the comedown before the next holiday which happens to be Valentines Day. Probably the worst holiday because there are always people that are unhappy due to Valentines Day even though holidays are supposed to be celebrations and happy occasions. I can't complain; I have a boyfriend. However my boyfriend will be in Germany that day. 

I'm just watching the news and there are pictures of peoples who houses have been destroyed and they have lost their families. It makes you wonder what world we live in where people are so isolated from the way that other people live that not having a date on Valentines day can be the end of the world, whilst others are losing all their worldly possessions.

My Da Vinci Code

I often wonder what it is that compels people to take the career path that they do, for many I'm sure it's just the want of money, but people that chose a job because they think that is THE job that I want to do for the rest of my life and come out with the most obscure choices do make me wonder. I'm sure it's probably just me, I find it very difficult to see from other peoples' point of view when it comes to how they live their lives.

I've always wanted the husband, the kids, the little house in the country where it's always sunny without from a cloud in the sky, apart from those days when everything is perfectly white and covered in snow - you know the type I mean? Yeah, the fantasy-never-going-to-happen type places. But in all honesty that's what I always have and probably always will aim for. And I can understand that people don't want kids or would prefer a wife to a husband - or even a house in the city. But I just can't understand when people don't want to aim for something better, even if you know you're never going to get it, when people don't even want to hope I find that odd. Maybe because that only leads to being let down? Maybe, actually probably, I'm just narrow-minded to other peoples' opinions.

I am completely off topic now. Those points I made previously are completely not what I was aiming to write for this blog. 

The reason I started this topic is infact because of my driving instructor. If anyone was ever less suited to the job it was him. These are the credentials I believe a driving instructor should have:

PATIENCE

knowledge of the road

a polite and calming nature

I cannot fault my driving instructors knowledge of the road. I commend him infact for how long he can talk and talk and talk about every available point on a roundabout when you can change gear. If you do not know the answer to that it is infact whenever it is safe funnily enough, if you feel the need to ask your driving instructor DON'T.

Patience and politness are something he does not have. If ever you were to think of a rude, grumpy old man, who hates all other road users, young people, cars and mainly ME it was him. When I first met him he came across as the cheerful Santa type old man that everyone loves - how wrong I was.

This is what got me thinking, Why has he chosen this job?? It is clearly beyond me why people would chose a job that is just not for them and stick with it.

Fear is your only barrier.

Today has happened way too fast. I had so much planned and I've managed to do so little. And I'm still here writting on my blog. I need to think of something to motivate myself. 

My super sweet 16 sickens me. I'm clearly just jealous but I don't think I could show off like these girls do without feeling completely embarrassed. Ah! This is how easily I get distracted.

"I need a haircut..."

"I want those shoes..."

Ooo actually I really need to do that history essay. :S

Actually, I was motivated earlier when I was looking at universities. I found the perfect one but I just don't know if it's where I want to go. I've had my heart set on Greenwich for over a year and now I've found City of London it just doesn't seem to compare. City is perfect for journalism, so clearly it's the obvious choice? I can't wait to go to uni, I just want to get sixth form over and done with and move onto the next stage. I really need to get a new job still as well. Have to update my CV.  

I have too many idea's for little projects. Small things that occupy my usually end up being forgotten after about ten minutes. Recently there's been the ideas for my sitcom, getting a new job, fixing my car, saving for a laptop, making sure I get all my homework done when it's set and writing my article for the school magazine (which I'll probably publish on here before the actual newspaper, so I can get feedback on whether really it's all complete bollocks) which I really need to get in because the paper comes out soon. 

My new "moto" for the year was don't be scared and so far I think I'm failing. I really need to learn to take the leap and take a chance. From now it's going to happen. I'll fill you in tomorrow if I was successful with anything. 

"Love the positive attitude"

I apologise in advance to anyone that may stumble across this blog and start reading it. This is a self loathing blog that will probably only be vaguely interesting to someone in a similar situation. You probably want to consider this before you continue.

If anthing was going to be worth while at my age you would think it would be revision. Studying hard so that you can be confident that when you go into an exam you can do your best and that will be enough to get you the grade you want. You would think.

Maybe I'm just expecting too much of myself, I have always been average and I will probably always be average - and when you're taking a subject that you have to be pretty exceptional to do well in I should probably be happy with passing it.

I shouldn't really talk like this yet, I've barely left the classroom but right now I just feel so angry with myself that I spent all this time learning formulae and practising and practising just screw up when it actually matters. I'm in a placed filled with self pitty - which just makes me even more angry with myself. 

I hate exams.

I hate physics.

Words from my father: "Love the positive attitude."

Thanks Dad.

When you have a physics exam the next day...

Do not decide today is the day you start comitting to finish everything you start - especially when things you start are watching TV and fixing the internet on your laptop.

Day 1

Day 1 of a new official year for me (There were no new years resolutions put into place for me on the 1st of January, so today is the day I've decided to make my reforms). So firstly a new blog to write everything down. Today, the 11th January, hasn't been as impressive a day as the I'd hope the first day of the rest of my life would be, however it'll do. Especially as I have been building up to doing something about the rest of my life for about a month now.

My reforms are pretty non-specific so far to myself. I think my first reform should be:

1) Think of reforms.

They go pretty much as far as 2) make some money and 3) learn to drive. 

Oh and 4) pass A levels.

I have a module in AS physics a day from now and I am not going to get the grade I want. I basically spent today "revising" as much as possible. Usually for me "revising" means watching TV or sitting on Facebook but surprisingly I actually did quite a bit of work. That, at least, has given me some faith that I can work hard and get decent grades in all my other exams that I have in May and June. 

I will also add to the list:

5) Get into uni.

6) Become world famous journalist.

Reasonable.

So far I have a job in a garden centre where I have just had my hours cut (my first joyous taste of the credit crunch) and a car. Well on my way.